


Outside the Lines

by acousticinternet



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: America, Angst, Anorexia, Anxiety Attacks, Australia, Concerts, Cutting, Denial, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Luke Has An Eating Disorder, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Stitches, i wrote this a long time ago so i apologize for how shit this is, so the end of one direction's where we are tour, specific mentions of numbers in kg and pounds, this starts in october 2014
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2019-12-07 07:17:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18231671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acousticinternet/pseuds/acousticinternet
Summary: 5 Seconds of Summer are a few shows away from the end of the Where We Are tour back in 2014. Next, they're going to be selling out concerts, playing in stadiums, and living their dreams even more than they are currently. But just because things are wonderful on the outside, doesn't mean things are scratch-free under the surface.Luke is battling a war against himself, though he would never admit to it. He thinks he's completely fine; he's not doing anything out of the ordinary. He's just improving himself. Cutting out junk food and adding in some exercise isn't harmful. But obsessing over weight, restricting food intake, being afraid to eat? That's a different story...But Luke is handling it. Luke is in control. At least, that what he thinks.Ashton sees Luke's behavior otherwise.or the one where Luke is struggling with an eating disorder, but doesn't believe he has a problem.





	1. 66.5

**Author's Note:**

> I originally wrote this story for wattpad back in 2014, because back then they had no stories that weren't romanticized with eating disorders in the 5sos fandom. I wanted to change that, so I wrote this. 
> 
> Please be aware that this story may be triggering. If you feel you may get triggered, read the tags and use your judgement on if you will be safe reading this or not.
> 
> I did a lot of research for this story so I've tried to make it as accurate as possible, but I can only relate to the feelings and actions in this story, not the consequences.
> 
> This story is already written out and finished, so I'll post every week.

Ashton's only two years older than me; he's 20 and I'm 18. Two years isn't that huge of a gap, so why is he so much smarter than me? He's kicking my ass in this game!

Michael, Calum, Ashton and I are sitting quietly on the airplane that's flying us to our last few shows in Florida. We always sit in first class, and each airline has a set or more of 4-seat rows. We have a particular order when it comes to who sits where.

Calum always sits next to the window because of the effect flying has on his stomach. It's rare when he actually feels sick when flying, but it's happened before. A few times more than I wish it had happened. So to prevent it from happening, the window seat is always reserved for him and him only.

"Your mind doesn't realise it's in a moving vehicle if it doesn't see the movement, through a window for example. Your body is moving but it doesn't recognise the feeling as motion which is why you feel sick, and also looking outside at the passing clouds helps with the sick feeling. It lets your brain know you are moving," is what he tells anyone when they ask.

At first it bothered me, since I always choose to sit closest to the wall. Whenever I need to take a seat, I have to try out each seat until one feels right, or else I'll feel uneasy for the rest of the time being. It just so happens that the seat I end up finding a liking to is next to a wall. I've gotten use to our setup at this point though; I'm always seated at one of the two middle seats.

Michael, more times than not, calls the aisle seat for himself. Our career revolves around thousands of people. From fans to managers, body guards to publicists, it's rare that we ever have a moment to ourselves. Michael adores the aisle seat on planes because he doesn't feel like he's blocked in by people, which is a common feeling each of us feel daily.

Ashton usually sits next to Michael, with me at Calum's side. Ashton knows that either middle seat is fine with me, but he always lets me enter the row first to sit next to Calum. To be honest, I'm glad he does this. I feel more comfortable when farthest from the aisle. Maybe he's picked up on this, and lets me sit before he does for that reason.

Today's different though. Ashton is seated next to the aisle with Michael beside him, followed by me and Calum. Yesterday was a day off, which we decided to spend doing absolutely nothing. It may sound boring but none of us have time to be the lazy teenagers we are, so we seized the opportunity and ended up on the couch watching a marathon of How I Met Your Mother.

With the lack of social interaction yesterday, Michael didn't feel the need to be seated next to the aisle. Instead he took the seat next to me and slept for the entire flight, head resting on my shoulder.

"You could spell orgasm with a letter bonus,"  _or what I thought was the whole flight._

I nearly jump out of my seat and begin to scald him. "I thought you were sleeping Michael! Fuck, don't scare me like that!"

"Calm down and just spell the word."

"What are you talking about? I don't have a G, and there's no where on the board with an open G that I could spell orgasm with."

Ashton heard me say this, his head snapping to look at me with an alarming look on his face. "Are you serious?" Michael and I reply by shushing him, considering Calum fell asleep a little over an hour ago.

"Don't worry," Calum grumbles from down the row, "I'm awake."

"Good, 'cause this wanker is gonna spell orgasm and get a shit ton of points!" Ashton exclaims with a stunned tone.

"Shut up, I'm losing so badly that this will barely make a difference anyways," I say while Michael drags the letters to their spot on the board.

"Yeah but there's a triple wor-"

"Luke you _liar_!" Ashton cuts off Michael in a rage. The message on the screen reads 'ORGASM played for 56 points' which is quickly followed by a screen declaring the game has finished with me winning by three points.

"Don't yell at me, Michael's the one who took my turn!" I defend myself. Ashton turns his focus away from me and towards Michael. If looks could kill, Michael would be on the floor bleeding out right now, because Ashton's currently shooting daggers from his eyes.

"Aw but Ashy, you  _love_  me," Michael whines in an innocent tone. He then proceeds to put his hands on Ashton's curls and give him a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

Ashton pushes Michael off of himself, "Stop being gross Michael, you slobbered all over me!" He grabs Michaels sweater sleeve and starts to wipe off his friends saliva from his cheek. Calum and I laugh hysterically at Ashton's response, while Michael continues to give the most innocent look he can.

"Thank you for flying American Airlines, we have landed in Florida. Please grab all belongings and exit towards the front." The, I assume pilots, voice booms over the speakers. The plane becomes loud with passengers standing up to retrieve their bags from above. Once we grab all our things, we're walking out of our row of seats.

"And  _don't_  call me Ashy."


	2. +455 -0

I can't read the clock from my side of the room, but from the looks of the light spilling through the blinds, it must be morning.

Groaning, I go to yell Ashton's name to wake him up. I can't see the clock on his bedside table because his giant ass curls are blocking the view.

Just as I open my mouth, I remember that he is sleeping. If Ashton's sleeping, then I can start my morning routine without interruption.

Pulling the covers away from my body, I step out of bed and head towards my suitcase.  _I'm pretty sure we have a meet and greet today..._  I think to myself, pulling out a tee shirt, jeans, and socks. I lock the door as soon as I enter the bathroom, and put my clothes on the counter adjacent to me. I go about the rest of my routine: pee, shower, and fix my hair.

~

"Oh I love American talk shows," Ashton enters the shared living room while flopping onto a spread out Calum laying on the couch. As Calum squeals and attempts to break free from beneath Ashton, Michael runs through the open door across from mine and Ashton's door.

"BREAKFAST SANDWICH," Michael declares a little too loud for the morning, and lands on top of Ashton. I can't stop laughing from my seat on the recliner; Calum is begging for both Ashton and Michael to let him breathe, while Ashton is groaning for Michael to "get the fuck off of me or I'll spit in your breakfast."

Michael admits defeat at hearing this, and pushes himself off of Ashton, who ends up rolling off Calum and falling to the floor while Calum attempts to breathe with success.

"I don't know why we're in a band, you guys would be better off as a comedic act. Oh, oh! You could be the three stooges!" I say in between laughs.

"But what would you do?" Michael questions from below me, seeing as Ashton grabbed his ankle and pulled him down with him.

"He could be our assistant," Ashton says, rolling from his back onto his stomach and makes eye contact with me. "Assistant Hemmings, I would like room service!"

Chucking my phone towards him, I respond, "You have functioning vocal cords, order it yourself." Ashton lets out a shriek when my phone hits his arm.

"Someone woke up on the wrooong side of the bed." Michael declares in a sing-song tone, which made me want to fling a pillow towards his face. Closing my eyes, I start to rub my fingers in a circular motion on my temples.

His words shouldn't have affected me but they did.

"Come on, leave him alone Mike," Calum sighs, "I'm gonna head for some coffee, do you want to come? We can pick up breakfast for you and Ash along the way."

One second Michael's on the floor muttering a string of words that consist of "food" and "yes", and the next second Calum is shutting the door behind him and Michael.

When I open my eyes I see Ashton sitting on the arm of the couch, leaving little distance between him and the recliner I'm seated in. His mouth curled into a smile, muttering a hushed greeting to me immediately after I opened my eyes.

I reply with a hi in the same hushed tone. I start to feel less tense.

"So what's up? Is something going on?"

This is how it always plays out. I snap, Calum and Michael go off somewhere, and Ashton talks with me. It's not always me who snaps though, everyone wakes up on the wrong side of the bed sometimes.

That's usually the case when a person snaps in the morning, but it just wasn't the case for me this time. "Nothing," I lift my head up from looking at my lap and continue, "I didn't wake up on the  _wrong side of the bed this morning,_  I woke up in a great mood actually. So Michael can fuck off."

Ashton is silent for a few seconds before speaking again. "Well you were in a great mood this morning, did something happen before Michael and I came in the room? Calum seemed to think that Michaels comment would bother you."

I couldn't explain to him what changed my mood. When I came into the shared living room this morning, Calum was awake and talking on the hotel phone when he noticed my presence.

~

_"Actually, could you make that two?"_

_I groan internally, but put on a smile and head towards the sink to get a glass of water._

_I heard Calum finish with "Okay, thank you, have a nice day," followed by the sound of the phone being hung up._

_"Why are you awake so early?" I ask him, gaining his attention._

_"Michael was sleeping with his mouth open and snoring this morning, and now here we are," he motions his hands in a gesture around the room. "I was ordering room service, so I just got you the same as me," he finishes with a smile._

_"Actually I just came out here to grab a glass of water. I was going to go back to bed after," I tell him._

_This is not how I planned my morning to go. I'm always the first awake, everyone else wakes up an hour later, give or take. By the time everyone wakes up, the Luke they know has already washed his face and fixed his hair, gotten dressed, and ate breakfast._

_I wasn't always like this. A couple years ago, I would have slept in with the rest of them. My sleeping hasn't been too regular since then though, which is perfectly fine. I can't fall asleep, but when I do, I wake up more or less than two hours later. It works for me because I'm up early, and no one is awake to see me skipping breakfast._

_"No, don't go back to sleep! You wake up at this time everyday anyways and I'm lonely. Please just have breakfast with me,_ please? _" Calum asks me. No, he_ begs _me._

 _"Fine Calum,_ whatever _," I pull out a seat and plop down on it with a huff._

_Calum seemed taken back by the bitter attitude laced in my reply. "Well you don't have to if you don't want to, I don-"_

_"No Cal, it's fine, seriously. Sorry, I'm just tired, you know?" I reassure him after interrupting. Someone starts to knock on the door. Oh_  joy,  _food's here._

_"It's fine Calum, thanks for ordering me breakfast," I finish off saying, cringing internally at my spoken words, as he opens the door._


	3. 66.4

The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. Instead of telling Ashton the truth, I lied to him. It's not like I wanted to, I could never lie to Ashton. Well, only if it prevents him from worrying about me.

I remember one day a little less than half a year ago, sitting in our hotel room. Michael, Cal and I were playing FIFA. Since Ashton isn't a fan of the game, he usually sits with us anyways, watching us play the game and occasionally cheer on whoever he chooses.

But that day, he sat in silence. He started out playful and cheerful, but a few minutes into watching us play, he stopped speaking. I'm pretty sure Michael noticed the loss of Ashton's voice as well, because the noise effects he had been making increased in volume.

The game dragged on too long for my liking. I didn't exactly want to play to begin with, and now regretted picking up a controller. What I really wanted to do was lay in bed and just sleep. I didn't want to deal with my buzzing thoughts.

~

_"Hellooooo, daydreaming much?" Michael waves his hand in front of my face. "You stopped playing."_

_"Oh sorry,"_ what do I say what do I say shit Luke think  _"this massive headache just hit me and it's sort of painful..." Wait, this is a perfect excuse to stop playing! "Is it okay if I quit and go rest?"_

_"Of course it's okay, we're not going to say no to that," Michael turns to face me as he speaks._

_"Hope you feel better soon Luke, yell or text us if you need anything," Calum says while patting my knee sympathetically._

_Without another word, I leave the room. I kick off my jeans and wiggle out of my jacket before crawling into bed. I just feel so_ sad _, but why am I sad? There's no reason to be sad._

_Those negative thoughts led to more negative thoughts, and soon I was drowning in a pool of hatred. Hatred for myself._

_"Luke."_

Ignore him, he'll think you're sleeping.

_"Luke?"_

_A few seconds pass until I hear footsteps come towards my place in the room._

_"Luke, please look at me..."_

_My brows furrow in confusion, and my eyes open instantly. It sounds as if it pained him to say those simple words. You c_ _an_ _practically hear how desperate he_ _is_ _for me to look at him. My first thought_ _is_ _that something_ _isn't_ _right._

_"Are you alright Ash? There's something going on, I can hear it in your tone."_

_For a split second, a smile cracks on his face. But just as fast as it had appeared, it disappears, leaving a slight frown behind._

_His mouth remains shut, holding his words back._

_The silence grew to be too much for me, so I decide to try again. "Ash, you know that you can always talk to me."_

_As soon as the last word rolled off of my tongue, Ashton quickly blurts out a jumble of words laced with concern._

_"Wait, what?" I ask_ _in confusion, hoping for him to repeat himself._

_He positions his head so that he's now staring at his fingers in his lap._

_"I'm ... worried about you Luke," he whisper_ _s_ _softly. It seem_ _s_ _that if Ashton sp_ _oke_ _any louder, he_ _'d_ _shatter the air between us._

_None of this_ _is_ _making any sense, why would he be worried about_ me _? I haven't given him a reason to worry._

_Then I remember what I had told Michael a few minutes ago._

_"My headache isn't anything to get worked up about. Looking at the TV screen just really intensified the pain. It's a lot better than a few minutes ago, you don't have to worry."_

_He shakes his head slowly, unsure of what to do or say next. Soon he_ _'s_ _on his feet, patting my legs through the beds covers indicating for me to sit up. Once I ma_ _ke_ _space for him, he s_ _i_ _t_ _s_ _down in front of me with his legs crossed and a nervous expression on his face._

_I decided not to push his thoughts out of him. If he wants to let me in and tell me what's on his mind, then he will._

_"You use to be a lot different."_

_"Gee Ash, thanks," I respond playfully, and nudge his leg with my elbow._

_His nervous expression soon washe_ _s_ _away into a face of pure terror. "No that's not what I, I just meant,_ fuck. _This is turning out even worse than I expected. Fucking hell why can't I just say the_  right thing _an-"_

_"Just tell me."_

_Ashton look_ _s_ _away from the hole in his jeans he was messing with, and look_ _s_ _at me._

_"You were getting worked up when you didn't need to. Just take a deep breathe and tell me what's on your mind."_

_He follow_ _s_ _my instruction and breath_ _es_ _in heavily, closing his eyes._

_"Sorry about that, thanks," he said while opening his eyes. I only nod in response._

_"Just, understand that I know I may be completely wrong, okay? You know the saying though, better safe than sorry," he says, tacking on a forced laugh since I use that quote often. I nod again, letting him go on._

_"Uh, so, I don't know, I've noticed a lot of stuff. You know how you haven't been zoned in too much lately?" he asks me._

_"Yeah. I haven't been sleeping well, I think that's why," I respond._

_"But you haven't been yourself..." I_ _go_ _to interject, but he start_ _s_ _speak_ _ing_ _again._

_"And no, not just because we're having a hectic week with band shit," he smirk_ _s_ _, knowing exactly how I_ _'d_ _reply._

_"What I mean is, you haven't been yourself for a while."_

_My mind switche_ _s_ _moods like the flick of a switch. I_ _go_ _from confused to paranoid._ Where is he going with this conversation? He doesn't know, does he? How could he know. Just calm down, you're over thinking this.

 _"I didn't see it before, because it wasn't too much of a noticeable change. Looking back though, there's some things I've noticed. Like, how you wake up early now. You use to_ always _sleep in with the rest of us. And you aren't as social as you were before. We use to hang out together a lot, and you hung out with me, Michael, and Calum more. But now I feel like we barely even see you anymore Luke," he says._

_"We see each_ _ot_ _h_ _-"_

_"I know you told us you want to be more healthy and take care of your body, but, it's just... we watch a movie and you don't have a single kernel of popcorn.._ _._ _We rarely go out to get a scoop but when we do, you order vanilla. In a dish._

_"And_ god _Luke, I honestly can't remember the last time you actually ate a slice of pizza."_

_Well, fuck._

_At this point, Ashton starts to lose his calm demeanor._

_"It's just not who you are, Luke! You always told me to never grow up too fast. Stay true to who you are._

_"But you_  love _pizza, and you can't stand the simple thought of ever enjoying ice cream without a cone to go with it. I_ know _you_ _. A_ _nd yeah_ _,_ _sure_ _,_ _you said you were going to become healthier, but you don't even endulge yourself every one in a while. You've just completely stopped with all food that isn't_ necessary _. I may be in the wrong, but I care about you Luke_ _._ _I worry about people I care about."_

_What_ _doesn't_ _help_ _is_ _Ashton's eyes staring into my own, his filled with doubt, anticipation, and pain. After a few seconds, I reali_ _se_ _he_ _'s waiting_ _for me to respond._

_With everything he's said, I'm surprised to notice that I'm a little bit too calm for the situation. Inside, alarms are blaring through my mind, and all of my thoughts are in a frenzy. But just like earlier, the switch_ _is_ _flicked; the scared anxiety-stricken boy that was here a few seconds ago is replaced with a boy that paints himself a poker face and deals with the situation head on._

_"Okay, so from what I've heard, you're concerned because I wake up early and don't have the same tastebuds that I once had?" I sa_ _y_ _, adding on a fake laugh, "I don't know about you, but to me those don't seem like fatal changes."_

_"Well, yeah, I guess... but you take a lot longer to eat. I mean_  a lot longer. _You're always last to finish, which has never been a trait of yours._

 _"Before, we use to call you the bottomless pit," his frown twitches to reveal a small smile, "Michael's only beat you twice in our food competitions." He begins to giggle at the memory,_ _while his comment cuts me deeply._ Bottomless pit, I forgot about that nick name _. My frown is soon replicated on his face as well, and it reminds me to wipe my own frown off my face and plaster fake happy emotions on._

_"It's just, I don't get it. It's different behavio_ _u_ _r. The kind of different that I wouldn't expect or understand to come from you," he says with a voice laced with doubt. My hidden nerves and steady voice must be convincing him._

_Before speaking again, I make sure to keep my face void of my true emotions. "Ashton, I just want to take care of myself. I'm eighteen now, and whether I like it or not, I'm not the hyper active kid I was. I know I'm still young, but it'll be easier for me to take care of my body now instead of trying to fix the damage in my later twenties, you know?_

_"And since I haven't been eating anything too unhealthy, I feel better physically. I don't know how to explain it, but you took health class during school, you know what I mean." I know Ash didn't pay much attention in classes that weren't required to pass for graduation, but he's not stupid_ _. H_ _e understands the point I'm trying to make._

_"I know you care, and I know you worry too, but you don't have to. At least not over any of this," I reassure him with a smile._

_He_ _doesn't_ _seem as tense when he respond_ _s_ _this time. "Well, I'll always worry about you, you know that," he smiles, before sounding serious again. "And I know I've said this before, but whenever something happens and you need to talk, I'll always be here. You know you can tell me anything Luke."_

_My facade nearly falters at his words._

_"Don't worry. If something's wrong, I'll let you know." Hopefully he couldn't see me cringe. It pains me to lie to Ashton. It hurts to lie to him more than anyone, even Michael and Calum. I see Ashton as an older brother and it kills me to even think of disappointing him._

_He responds with a wide smile and pulls me into a hug. Guilt start_ _s_ _to overcome me the longer he h_ _olds_ _me in his embrace. Wiggling away from his hold, I let my back fall onto the mattress._

_Lying once again to the curly haired saint in front of me, I explain to him that my headache is acting up and want to take a nap. Without speaking, he pulls back the covers opposite from the side I occupy, and scoots down into the fabric while holding his arms open._

_It's obvious what he's doing, he's attempting to comfort me. Usually, I'd groan aloud and express how cuddling was lame._

_This time though, I melt into his arms and shut my tired eyes._


	4. +80 -304

To say that I had been having a good few days would be an understatement; things were outstanding! Since eating breakfast in front of Calum three days ago, I've managed to eat nearly nothing. The only food passing my lips was my pre-show apple.

Before every concert, I eat a Granny Smith apple. That's 80 calories, but it's worth it. It keeps me focused and orientated, with less dizzy spells.

My mood has stayed at a steady high as well since that morning, considering I haven't run into any more situations I've needed to lie my way out of. I haven't caused anyone stress or worry, and no one has pointed out my unusual habits. I've even lost 1.6 kilos, which is unusual considering I haven't been able to lose any weight for the past two months.

My weight plateaued in the beginning of September. I've only lost 1.4 kilos since then and it has been a huge stressor for myself. I tried to burn as many calories as I could during that time, but my weight barely budged.

Maybe not eating for a few days is the answer to my problem.

But life has a habit of kicking you down when the going gets good. And that's exactly what happened, metaphorically  _and_  literally.

We were performing She Looks So Perfect, the last song in our set before One Direction would take the stage. The way we have it planned, Calum and Michael stand up on the supplied amps during my soft-spoken solo halfway though the song. As soon as I finished singing the verse, the bass drop and all three of us jump into the air.

The concert had been going on without a problem. I didn't feel dangerously dizzy, and to my surprise, I had much more energy than usual for myself.

What I should've known though, was that my boost of energy wasn't actually energy at all. Tonight was our last performance of the tour, and that  _boost of energy_  I thought I had acquired was really just the hype and adrenaline coming from the last night of the Where We Are tour.

_"She looks so perfect standing there, in my American Apparel underwear. And I know now, that I'm so down..."_

The crowd started to clap while I sang the lyrics to the louder part of my verse.  _"Your lipstick stain is a work of art, I got your name tattooed in an arrow heart. And I know now, that I'm so down,"_

As Ashton started to tap on the cymbal, I prepared for the jump. This is one of my favorite parts of the show; the crowd goes insane when we do this. I like seeing people happy and having a fun time. It feels even better knowing I was able to create a small part of their joy.

When the sound of the beating drum was heard once again - the signal to jump - I pushed my feet against the ground with as much force I as I could, sending me high in the air.

This is the moment when things started to take a turn for the worst.

As soon as my feet made contact with the black stage, everything around me slowed down. I knew this feeling. I knew what it meant. But not once had it ever come over me while performing on stage.

I stood motionless, or I tried to. If you asked anyone who witness the incident, they would tell you something along the lines of, "All of the color in his face drained, and he went completely pale. He couldn't even stand still because he was swaying in his place. It was terrifying!"

Calum's voice suddenly became louder next to me. I was confused until I realized he switched from a soft backup vocal in replacement for the lead vocal I should have been emitting. Michael walked over to me, strumming on his guitar. I saw his lips making words but couldn't hear them being spoken. At this point I couldn't distinguish whether the quiet muffled noise that I heard was the cheering crowd or the blasting amps.

The foggy image of Michael that stood in front of me started to get attacked by tiny black specs. They swirled around in my vision while growing larger. For a second they faded, and I thought this was all going to pass.

But life's never been too friendly with me.

The small black circles that had left my sight started to reappear in a much larger size. Before the circles had a chance to swallow my entire sight in darkness, every muscle in my body relaxed.

My brain, along with every muscle that was apart of me, completely shut down. I didn't have time to realize that my body had collapsed onto the cool stage floor.


	5. ▸

Senses started to come back to me, but at a rather slow pace. The first sense to awaken was touch; a slight tingling was starting to surface on my face. Sound followed, with my ears picking up many unidentifiable sounds as they rushed through the air. Once I was able to understand that these sounds were actually words, the rest of my senses adjusted instantly. Peeling my eyelids back, I watched as the wrinkles on the boys face above me quickly smoothed out.

"Jesus christ Luke, stop doing that," he whispered with relief.

"What are you talking about? And what are you doing to me?" I asked confused as to why Ashton was wiping something slimy across my face.

A group of people rushed over to me once my voice broke through the air.

"Calm down, I'm just wiping the sweat off your face with a cold paper towel," he replied, pulling the item in question into my vision.

"What the fuck Luke, stop fucking doing that!"

"You're honestly going to give me a heart attack, you scared me shitless this time."

Michael and Calum started to yell over each other, which triggered the last sense to make its way back to me: pain. I grabbed my head to cover my ears in hopes of lowering the volume around me. I let my hands drop away from myself when I heard someone say, "Shut the fuck up, you're hurting him," followed by the sound of two individual slaps. Opening my eyes, I saw Ashton glaring at Michael and Calum.

"Did I do something wrong? What did I do?" I questioned them all, still hopelessly lost.

"You passed out-"

" _again_." Calum added to Ashton's words.

Confusion flashed across my face before my mouth formed into the shape of an O.

Now I know why I'm laying on a couch in someones dressing room: Jumping. Landing. Muffled. Foggy. Muscles. Darkness. Ground.

Someone standing behind Ashton - who I'm told is a medic from the emergency medical booth set up outside the arena - requested that someone grab a liquid for me to sip on.

That's when I remembered that we were  _performing_  when I passed out.

"Wait we were performing, I was on stage singing and I passed out? Why did I do that oh no is the family worried? They have to know I'm fine holy shit I hope I didn't scare anyone  _why did this have to happen on stage and n-_ "

"Stop talking." Ashton cut me off. "The family is fine, we'll send a tweet from the band account saying you're alright."

"Real talk though, you just passed out for two minutes and your biggest worry is if the  _family is fine?_ "

Two minutes?  _Two minutes?!_  I've fainted after a show before, and I was only gone for 15 seconds!

"I was not out for two minutes Michael, don't lie to me."

He huffed in annoyance. "Are you serious Luke? Why the hell would I lie about something so fucking  _serious!_ "

I flinched as his voice grew louder with frustration. Calum walked back inside the room, handing a tall bottle to Ashton.

"Mike, it's not serious. It's just dehydration," I shot back at him. Maybe I lied when I said I was just dehydrated, but that doesn't matter. He was acting ridiculous right now!

"This is the second time Luke! You didn't wake up immediately like before!  _That's serious!"_  Michael began to shout, which resulted in Calum putting an arm around him in an attempt to calm his rage.

"No Calum, stop. He doesn't understand," he motioned towards my figure lying on the couch, "Passing out isn't a normal occurrence. And are we forgetting the fact that he's been drinking the recommended amount of water?! He  _can't_  be dehydrated."

"Did you forget that we're in Florida Mike? Ashton said earlier that today was going to be hot as fuck. That's not to mention that I was sweating my ass off out there tonight!" I yelled in exasperation.

"Luke, do  _not_  tell me that it was  _too hot._ Today was  _cool_  compared to how it usually is for half of Australia!" He yelled back. He was trying to drive his point home, and what he said next sucessfully did just that.

"Do you see any of us passing out Luke? No, you don't. Because we know how to fucking take care of ourselves."

_Ouch._

"Michael!" Ashton squealed out in shock and anger.

A sigh left my mouth after hearing Michael speak. I'm  _tired._  I don't want put effort into anything right now, especially if Michael is going to point out the lack of self care I have.

Do you really think I  _care_  about how I treat myself Michael?

"None of that is important Michael, we can figure this out tomorrow, or later tonight when were not right in front of Luke.  _Okay_?" Ashton hissed out, his words spreading like venom. Michael finally decided to let it go.

"Good." Ashton twisted an orange cap off of a tall blue bottle. "Now sip this,  _slowly._  We don't need you vomiting tonight."

I felt like a deer in the headlights. "What? Why?"

"Because when you're dehydrated and you try to rehydrate yourself, sometimes your stomach can't handle it. Trust me. My last year of school. Tried to run to the clinic. Ended up vomiting six steps away from the clinics entrance."

Everyone in the room besides me, Michael, and Calum started to groan, commenting on how they could have gone without hearing the gross details. Michael and Calum, on the other hand, started to laugh hysterically.

I was not amused.

"That's not what I meant. Why do you want me to drink  _that._ "

All eyes in the room turned to stare at me, with disbelief apparent in their features.

"If you're dehydrated, then you need to drink something," Ashton said, looking to the label on the bottle of Gatorade. "Plus if it isn't dehydration, maybe it's lack of electrolytes, which this drink is packed with."

The stares from the people surrounding me started to drift off, finally looking anywhere but my place on the couch.

Although this didn't last long. When I replied to Ashton with a whispered 'no', everyone's attention was glued right back to me again.

"What?"

My whisper quickly grew into a harsh tone. "I said no."

"Why are you telling me no, it was a rhetorical question. You have to drink something!"

"Then give me some water!"

The medic spoke up. "Water may help, but this will help a lot more than water. This has sugars and electrolytes. Water only has the ability to rehydrate. If it in fact isn't dehydration you're suffering from, this will single out other factors."

For the entire time he had spoken, I didn't stop shaking my head. This only made my headache worse, but that wasn't my main concern at the moment.

"I don't care, I'm not drinking it."

Ashton was standing in less than a second. "For fucks sake Luke, drink the damn gatorade!"

"Fucking make me," I spit back at him angerly. Calum, Michael, and everyone else in the room began to shush the both of us, attempting to put an end to our argument.

Ashton stomped out of the room while muttering something about me, with Michael following him from a safe distance.

There's no way in hell I'm going to drink that. It was a bottle of flavored sugar in the form of liquid calories. I'd rather fall down a flight of concrete stairs than gulp down unnecessary calories in the form of a drink.

_They can't force me to drink that. They can't, they won't._

My body began to feel strange, and not in a good way. My breathing was quickening, my heartbeat was growing faster, and I couldn't stop my body from beginning to shake.

_They can't do this to me._

Just as the door closed behind Michael, it was being opened again by Calum. He walked up to the medic and handed him a new bottle. When did he even leave the room?

The medic then gave me the bottle, and a wave of relief washed over me.

It was a bottle of water.

I replied with a heartfelt thank you and began taking slow sips from the bottle. After a few sips, my body began to calm down. To be honest, I don't know what happened with my body. I've never had that happen before.

I'd prefer if it wouldn't happen again though.

"Are you able to walk out?" The medic asked me, both of us hoping the answer would be yes. If I had to be carried out of the building, people would see, and rumors would spread like wildfire.

I pulled myself into a sitting position and stood up without a problem. I tried to step forward, but my body was having a difficult time trying to walk.

I felt so weak, like my body was only half awake. My joints were like rusty hinges barely hanging onto a run-down door. My muscles felt like icecubes being dropped into a glass of hot water.

I was use to these sensations by now; they're present each morning I wake up. But the pain was always dull. Right now, the pain and weakness seemed to triple.

Calum rushed to my side when he saw me faulter. He hooked my arm over his shoulders, letting me lean on him.  _I'm really glad I have a friend like you man,_ I thought to myself.

I tossed a quick 'thank you' over my shoulder to the still occupied room, then started to make our way towards the car.

It was a good thing Calum helped me to walk, because I don't think I would've been able to do it myself. Even with Calums help, the pain in my body infensified with every step I took.

This made me come to a conclusion. I liked it better when I was unconscious.


	6. 64.8

Michael and Ashton had sat themselves in the middle row in the car. Neither attempted to make conversation with one another. I crawled into the back row with Calum following behind me.

"Lay down, you need the rest," Calum told me.

I mumbled a few words that, in all honesty, I didn't even understand. Instead of repeating myself clearly, I toppled down in exhaustion, and rested my head in Calum's lap.

"Oh my god, is he sleeping already?"

I felt Calum lean down, his hair brushing against my forehead. "Yeah, sounds like it." He replied with a small laugh.

"Then we can discuss this now, yeah?" Ashton said, finally acknowledging the rest of the cars presence.

"He's not dehydrated," Michael blurt out.

I felt Calum shift, then heard him speak. "He could be. His lips are chapped, and his face is dry." I felt his hand brush past my hair by accident but it soon found its way back to my head. "And his hair is really dry, but that's most likely from Lou."

"But he _is_  drinking water Cal, we've seen him drink plenty of water," Ashton added on.

"If he's hydrated, then he shouldn't be passing out..." Michael somberly replied.

Silence draped the vehicle for a few centuries before someone spoke again.

Okay fine, it was a few seconds.

But it felt like centuries.

"He needs to be checked out."

"He won't agree to go. He despises doctors offices, you know that."

"Does it matter? There's obviously something wrong."

"He's told us that he's not going to a medical facility to have some doctor poke and prod him. We can't drag him there, Mike."

"Are you even listening to yourself right now? You're telling me that Luke will refuse to see a doctor, and you're okay with him deciding that for himself? You even said so yourself that something's wrong!"

"Don't put words in my mouth,  _you_  said that. And what if it is nothing?"

"Are you willing to risk your best fucking friends health because  _it's probably nothing_? He isn't going to go by his own will Calum, someone has to force the kid to get checked out."

Before Calum could respond, a meek voice made its way from the curly haired boy. "Can we just, not, please? Not talk about this right now. Not tonight."

Michael started to rant about how this was too important, but stopped trying when he heard a weak "please Michael, please." come from the boy beside him.

The car rolled to a stop in front of the hotel. The entrance was nearly empty, most likely because fans were still attending the concert. Michael and Ashton slumped out of their seats, while Calum picked me up with a grunt.

_Sorry I'm fat._    
I'm probably too heavy for him to carry. I should ask him to put me down so I can walk myself.

Despite these thoughts, I let myself be carried through the lobby by Calum. My body and brain were barely functioning at this point from the exhaustion of the day.

Calum carried me into a wide elevator across the lobby. While the doors rolled shut, someone ruffled my hair.

It was a simple action, ruffling someone's hair. But in that moment, it wasn't just a simple meaningless action. If the gesture could talk for itself, it would whisper to me,  _'Hey, I know all of this is new to you. That may have you terrified; the thought of having everyone figure out what you've been hiding. But no matter what happens, it'll be okay in the end. No need to worry right now, just rest.'_

The action was a silent reassurance: all will be okay eventually.

How long that eventually make take is unknown, but that didn't stop me from feeling safe enough to let go of control.

Well, for the night at least.


	7. 64.5

I woke up clinging onto the bed sheets that engulfed me. I started to stretch myself out, and couldn't help the squeak that escaped my mouth.

I was sitting up in bed, rubbing my eyes to clear my vision, as I thought about how I slept last night.

Our set is always over by eight, give or take a few minutes. It must have been about half an hour until we loaded into the car to leave the venue. So, at the possible latest, I was asleep by nine last night.

"What the hell," I groaned aloud. It must be midnight now, maybe three if I'm really lucky. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in such a long time.

But if it was suppose to be the middle of the night, why is the sun shining through the window?

With another grunt, I rolled over to face Ashton's side table to check the time.

The first thing I noticed was the brightly lit  _7:39_  burning into my retinas.

_How is that possible... I slept for over ten hours last night?_

The second thing I noticed took me by surprise. Ashton was laying down motionless on his bed. If it weren't for the fact that his eyes were plastered to the ceiling, I would have assumed he was sleeping.

"You're awake? It's early for you to be awake," I comment in a sleepy voice, taking another glance at the digital numbers on the clock beside his bed.

"Couldn't sleep," he replied. And  _damn_ , that rough voice. Even though he must have been awake for some time now, his morning voice was still audible.

"You couldn't sleep? Did you sleep at all last night?"

He shook his head slowly.

"Why?"

I assumed he was thinking of what to say, but when a minute passed without him speaking I knew he wasn't going to respond to my question.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?" I couldn't help but let the words slip from my mouth, sadness laced in my tone. He's only said two words from me, and not once looked at me.

There's a long list of reasons why someone should hate Luke Hemmings, and ruining the last concert of the tour was the new addition added to the list.

I understand why he would be mad at me. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

His head turned to look in my direction, frown displayed on his lips. "Why would you even ask that? You haven't given me a single reason to be mad."

"I dunno, just the vibe you were giving off when I woke up," I exclaimed as I shifted to lean my back against the wooden headboard.

Ashton muttered a string of no's under his breathe while shaking his head quickly.

"You didn't do anything, I promise. I was just really deep in my thoughts, I'm sorry."

I could shrug his response off and take a shower, or I could ask him what he was thinking about that prevented him from sleeping.

Although the former would be easier, I went with the latter. Better get this conversation over with now, right?

"What's wrong Ash?"

"You."

"Oh Ashton, I'm blushing. That's very flattering," I joked.

My humour didn't raise much of a reaction from him. He chuckled, only slightly, and gave me a sad smile before speaking again.

"Calum, Michael and I were talking in the car last night. You aren't dehydrated Luke, we've seen you drinking water."

This was true, all I did was drink water during meals. I tried thinking of an excuse to reply with, but I wasn't quick enough. The room had fallen silent.

"What are you not telling me?" He asked with concern.

"Nothing," I attempted to say as casual as possible.

This didn't help to ease the worry on Ashton's face.  _Why did I even try? Responding with 'nothing' never gets me out of these situations. Damn it Luke, wake up faster._

"I don't understand... we tell each other everything."

"There's nothing to tell, I don't see what's hard to understand," I exclaimed.

His gaze drifted from his hands to my eyes, and I wish they hadn't. It was unmistakable, the pain visible in his eyes. It was the same pain he would express if I told him his dog had just died.

Seconds passed before he waved off my response and said, "Go take a shower, you're getting a check up."

"Woah woah wait, what?"

"I scheduled you to see a doctor. Your appointment is at ten."

_No no no no no no no this is not happening this can't be happening._

"But today's a day off, aren't we going to chill here?"

"It's not like you're never going to be in Miami again. Rock Out With Your Socks Out includes Florida."  _Why is this happening now why is this even happening at all why why why why why holy shit they'r-_

"Fainting twice in such a short span of time is really concerning, Luke. We want to make sure this isn't anything serious. I just figured, since we have today free, this would be a good time to get you checked out."

Why is everyone making such a big deal out of my fainting! If anything, this proves that today should be spent relaxing.

"I'm not going."

"You don't have a choice," He said between gritted teeth.

"Of course I have a choice, it's my body. You can't force me to do anything Ashton."

"You're being so stubborn," He pulled on his curls in frustration. "Why won't you go?"

"Because I said no, that's why."

"That's not a good enough reason!" Ashton started to raise his voice, much too loud for this early in the morning.

" _Stop_  Ashton. Just,  _shut up_. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"We need to talk about this."

"We really don't,"

"For fucks sake Luke just tell me what's goi-"

"I already told you, nothing is goin-"

"Is it drugs?"

If my jaw wasn't connected to a joint, I'm positive that it would have reached the floor. I don't know what I was expecting him to say, but it definitely wasn't that.

_"Excuse me?"_

"Are you taking drugs?" He asked me again. I would have thought this was a joke, but his serious tone told me otherwise.

"What the actual fuck Ashton, of course not!" I sprung from the mattress and walked over to my bag, pulling out a change of clothes.

Everything around me seemed to collapse in less than a night, and I couldn't think of a single way to repair the damage. I couldn't stand to be in this room any longer. I couldn't continue to blatantly lie to someone so close to me; someone I care so much about. I couldn't continue to watch the pain in their eyes grow with every word that escaped my lips.

I need to stop causing problems. I need to be in control. I need to try harder to fix the mess my life is right now.

"We are  _not_  done talking."

"I think we are," I spat back to him, shutting the bathroom door behind me.


	8. +0 -0

An hour passed in peaceful silence before a knock echoed through the silent bathroom.

"I'm almost done Ashton, now walk away."

The person behind the door coughed awkwardly. "Oh um, no, it's Calum. Just checking to see if everything's alright in there. It's been a while, so..."

My tone switched from one of annoyance to one of embarrassment. "Yeah, yeah I'm good. Just taking my time."

A muffled reply, which sounded like an 'okay' floated through the door.

I hated to act this way. Words loaded with attitude, and bitter phrases thrown around to cover up how I felt. I didn't have much of an option though. Last night for example, I raised my voice at Ashton and yelled back. The only other option in that situation was for me to drink the Gatorade, and I couldn't do that.

I hate the person I've become.

And whether I liked it or not, this is who I needed to be now.

Before Calum had knocked, I was doing a body inspection. I don't know how often I make these inspections because I don't schedule them. The pattern seems to be when I feel lower than my usual low. Stripping down to nothing but a pair of boxers, I examine my body, focusing mostly on my thighs, stomach, and biceps.

My thighs aren't big enough to touch anymore, which I have mixed feelings over. I like it because it means I've lost weight, and that I've made noticeable improvement.

The part I hate about my thighs though, is the reactions I get from people. Instead of making a verbal note on how thin my thighs appear, they decide to tease me, telling me I have 'girl legs'.

The other part I don't enjoy is when the boys playfully joke around about the gap between my thighs. For example, if I drop my phone in my lap around them, I've already started to mentally prepare myself to be made a joke of. A persons first instinct is to shut their legs to prevent the phone from dropping. But this reflex doesn't work in my favor, considering the phone falls through the space in between my thighs. That's when the jokes start.

I know they're playing around, and they mean no harm. But their laughter cuts me down, and all I want to do in moments like those is to hide away.

I didn't pay much attention to my arms in the past, but it's hard not to these days. There's virtually no muscle left, which makes me feel like even more of a fuck up than I already am. I've attempted to put more focus on toning my muscles when going to the gym. The added effort is barely worth my time though, because the muscle I have been able to gain is minimal.

My muscles are deteriorating. I know I should care, and I do. But I just can't  _stop_. Nothing, not even the worst side effects, seems to be strong enough to help me.

But I don't want to stop, so it really doesn't bother me too much.

I'm thankful that no one has picked up on my weight loss. The boys, a few people from stage crew, and select managers have made comments acknowledging my thinner body, but they take the conversation no further. This is probably due to me being a man. No one could even consider the possibility of a young adult man such as myself to be starving himself. Why would they anyways? Girls are the one's who end up starving themselves, not boys.

The other, more probable, reason my excessive weight loss has gone unnoticed is that it doesn't show enough to alarm anyone. My arms and legs, which use to be very much toned, have decreased in size. Everyone's assumes the reason for this is that I've stopped focusing on staying muscular. It helps that I'm always wearing jeans too.

I'd have to be shirtless in order for anyone to notice the weight I've lost.

_I'd throw myself off a building if anyone ever saw my body exposed like that._

_I'm so fucking repulsive._

When I turned to grab my clothes from the marble counter, I caught a glimpse of another person in the mirror and nearly piss myself in fear. I spun around to search the space around me, but I found that I'm the only one occupying the now uncomfortable room. I turned towards the mirror again, and noticed that the person I saw was just me.

And I truly looked horrendous.

I tossed my shirt and jeans on in a rush and quickly exited the room. I couldn't stand being in that room alone with myself for a second longer.

The shared bedroom I walked into was empty. The only noise I could hear was the slight ringing in my ears.

I was all alone.

I hated being alone, yet I was the reason for being alone. I try my best to push everyone away from me, to isolate myself as much as possible. I hate doing it, but at this point there's not much I'm able to do about it. If I'm not isolating myself, then I'd have to be socializing, laughing, actually having fun. I'd have to pretend to be the Luke everyone knows.

I'm not much good at being my old self anymore.

I grabbed a pillow from behind me, folded it in half, and buried my head deep into the middle. I started to scream, as loud as my lungs would allow me to.

This use to be easy, but now each day is becoming harder to face.

I threw the pillow across the room to release my growing frustrations. The white puff landed softly in front of the door connected to the living room. I stayed seated on my bed, staring into the pillow across the room. If only the pillow was a barrier, to lock myself away from anyone and anything.

Just as I was thinking this, the door knob began to turn. The door only opened a few centimeters before the pillow got stuck under the door.

"Luke, are you in there? Something's blocking the door." Ashton's voice filled the quiet room. I was already on my way to move the pillow by the time he finished his sentence.

I picked the pillow up, shoved it into my arms, and opened the door. Ashton looked at me with a small grin, and thanked me.

I stared at him for a split second more, before my emotionless body turned to crawl back into bed.

"Luke...?"

I didn't answer. I didn't want to answer. I didn't care about anything anymore. At least for now, that is.

I heard something collide with the carpeted floor, creating a loud thump. I turned away from the wall I was walking towards, to see what had happened.

Ashton was spread out on the floor, with a damp towel tangled around his foot. He began muttering curses under his breath while untangling the towel from his shoe.

It was barely audible, but a small laugh broke free from my mouth. The towel Ashton had tripped on was the towel I used for my shower. Being too upset in the moment, I dropped the towel onto the ground, not making an effort to discard it in the hamper across the room.

Ashton's frustration melted away into a smile when he looked up to see me giggling quietly to myself.

He picked himself off the floor and treaded to the hamper, throwing the towel inside.

After the initial humor from the situation subsided, I was left feeling void of emotion again. When I returned to my thoughts, my eyes lost focus and continued to stare a hole into the floor. I didn't look away as I lowered myself onto my bed. My eyes refused to look away even when Ashton passed my line of sight to sit opposite from me on my bed.

"I cancelled the appointment."

_Good_ , I thought to myself.

"Luke, please. I'm asking because I care about you. Tell me what's going on."

_I'm asking because I care about you?_  Even after all the shit I've given him, he still cares.

"Why do you care?" I spoke up, my voice raspy from my earlier screaming.

"Because you're my best mate,"

"I'm not your best mate, if anything I'm your worst."

"Why would you think that?"

A long sigh escaped me before I explained myself.

"Because of the way I treat you. I get frustrated and cranky and upset and aggravated and irritated and scared and annoying and sad and selfish. And I lash out at the people around me, and it hurts them, but they always seem to forgive me. Hell, I hate myself for acting the way I do, so why don't you hate me as well? Why doesn't anyone hate me? I'm fucking garbage." I threw my head into my hands. This is the most I've talked about myself in a long time, which started to make me nervous.

Ashton raised his hand to my chin, lifting my face away from my hands. "Oh hun," he breathed out playfully. When my mouth twitched into a weak smile, his face glowed up.

One of my favorite things about Ash is how he deals with tension. He knows how to lighten the mood without breaking any boundaries.

"In all seriousness though, you're not garbage. And all of us get cranky. And mad, and sad, and everything else you said. We're human, it happens," he told me.

"But it happens more with me. I always end up taking my emotions out on you, or snapping at Calum and Michael."

"That's what family is for. We lean on each other, and we fight with each other. But at the end of the day we still care about each other, no matter what."

My mind went into overdrive thinking about the situation I had dug myself into for the past two years. I've done so much to the people that care about me, and they continuously forgive me. They push my bullshit aside because they care for me. And what do I do as a thanks?

I lie to their faces every day. I become frustrated with them. I give them every reason to not give a single fuck about me.

But they still do.

Ashton moved me into his lap once sobs started to escape my body. He attempted to soothe me, but I couldn't calm down. All I wanted to do was spill my guts to him. I wanted to tell him everything: why I wouldn't drink the Gatorade, what the  _real_  reason was behind me passing out. I wanted to come clean about everything. It hurt so much to lie to him, when all he does is help.

But no matter how badly I wanted to confess, something was preventing me from doing so.

"I c-can't," I said through a sob, unable to finish my sentence. I moved myself away from his warm chest and curled into a ball under the sheets. "I'll kee-ep crying-g-g if you ho-old me," I attempted to say in a steady voice, obviously failing.

How pathetic. Here I was, a sobbing mess. And to make it worse, I was a sobbing mess in front of someone. I cry sometimes, but never infront of anyone. And I haven't broken down into sobs since I broke my wrist trying to skate.

Which is why Calum and Michael rushed into our room; they wanted to know who was crying and why.

Shocked, they didn't say anything nor make a move from their place in the doorway. If you asked them, they were expecting to walk in on a weeping Ashton, not the other way around.

"No." I covered my face quickly with the sheets my hands clenched. I didn't need three people to see me like this. It was embarrassing enough to have a breakdown in front of one person.

Once I heard the click of the door handle, I felt a hand rubbing circles in my back through the blankets that covered me. I started to calm down from the comforting gesture. Minutes passed until my sobs had dissolved into hiccups the same pace that the sobbing once was.

Ashton said something about water, but I wasn't paying much attention because of my now present headache. I felt the bed shift once again, followed by him holding a glass out for me.

"Thanks..." I mumbled before drinking the ice cold water. And oh boy let me tell you, I'm pretty sure this was the best water I've had in my life. My throat became slightly numb from the ice cold water, helping to soothe the damage done while screaming and sobbing. I lifted the glass up to my forehead and sighed in relief as it made contact with my hot skin.

When I opened my eyes, I noticed Ashton was holding two white pills in the palm of his hand. I took the painkillers from his hand and threw them into my mouth, jugging water to wash them down.

He grabbed the nearly empty glass from my slightly shaking hands and placed it down on my bedside table.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

_No._

I nodded.

Time ticked away in silence.

"Are you alright with talking about it now?"

My mind became frantic once again, the war between myself and my mind restarting.

_No._

"I can't"

Ashton paused for a few seconds, "Why can't you?"

I remained quiet. Why can't I? That was a good question.

Before I could stop myself, I was spilling my fears out to him.

"I can't because I won't let myself because I  _need_  this and I can't live without it and if I say anything then it'll be taken away from me but it  _shouldn't_  be taken away from me because it's the  _only thing that helps anymore_. But it's destroying me more and more. I feel like shit, physically and mentally, and I just don't have the energy to try anymore. I want to stop trying, I want to sleep all day because it's  _so fucking difficult_. But then I think of my family and the band and  _you_ , and I just keep going. But it's killing me, I don't want to live like this anymore. But I  _need to_. And I can't let this go, and I don't want to let this go, I'm  _scared_  to let this go. It's the only thing I can control when everything else is bad and it's the only thing that is always there to catch me. It's my safety net, I can't have my safety net taken away from me I can't I can't I can't..."

Just the thought of someone finding out my secret terrified me. Panic had started to set in, and my body started to act strange like it had last night. I was a mixed mess of short rapid breaths and increasingly quick heart beats.

"Luke, you're alright. No one is taking anything away from you, okay? None of that is going to happen, you don't need to work yourself up. Everything's going to be okay."

I lifted my head from my shaking hands, staring at the trembling fingers I couldn't seem to tame.

Everything that I feared, everything that I have suffered through, started with these hands.

I'm just trying to get through each day. I'm doing anything I can to keep going.

How will I ever be okay if everything I do to help myself ends up being the thing that destroys me?

"I'm so scared Ash," I whispered in a quivering voice. Tears started to well up in my eyes, but I wouldn't let them escape. I held them back, resulting in my body trembling even more.

"You don't need to be scared. Whatever it is you can't tell me... whatever it is you're fighting against, forget about it for now.

"You're here, in this room, sitting on this bed. You're here right now. I'm here, in the same room, sitting on the same bed," he said in a soft and steady voice. Reaching out in front of him, he took his hands in mine with a strong hold.

"I'm right in front of you Luke. I'm here," he squeezed my hands lightly, "right now. Whatever is going on, it can't effect you, because you're not alone."

I shook his hands from mine and lunged myself into his chest, my arms folding up against our chests. The tears I had tried to hold back began to soak into Ashton's shirt. I gripped his partially dry shirt tightly with the dire need to be closer.

He was the only thing currently grounding me to reality.

He wrapped his warm arms around my body, holding me steady. "You're safe Luke, I'm right here. Just breathe."

I continued to cry into his clothed chest until I struggled to breathe. I turned my head sideways, letting myself breathe in the air coming from the gap between Ashton's arms. I lowered my grip on his shirt and rested my chin on my hands, with my head still laying on his chest.

He didn't let go during the time I adjusted my hold on him. He held me in his arms while he rubbed my back with his thumb.

"Comfortable?"

I nodded in response, the movement rubbing my hair into a mess.  _Not like I didn't look like shit before._

Ashton lowered his head, placing his cheek to the top of my head, and exhaled a drawn out deep breath. Was he worried? Relieved? Content? Happy? I had no idea, but things were currently peaceful, so I shouldn't fret over it.

The quiet atmosphere was taken over by the soft hums Ashton began to evoke.

The rhythm of his hums sounded awfully familiar. I attempted to place a name to the song, but I couldn't get my brain to think.

I found myself drifting off slowly.

"Crap." I pushed myself away from the fabric covering his chest, which was drench in tears. He removed his arms from around me, but then placed them on my shoulders in an effort to keep me from leaving.

"What is it?"

"We fly to Mexico tonight, I can't sleep right now. If I do, I won't sleep at all on the plane. That, and the fact that I got ten hours of sleep last night. I shouldn't sleep any longer, won't benefit me."

"Fair enough," he said.

Today was a bad day, more so than my usual bad days. I lost a few kilos, but that didn't help to quiet the insults running through my head.

_I'm disgusting, why can't I try harder?_

_There's so much fat. I wish I could grab a knife and cut it all off._

_How am I going to survive today, Ashton's not going to leave my side for a second. I gave him a reason to worry now._

_Oh no what if he makes me eat lunch with him. Please, no._

_Just had to be a sobbing loser, didn't you Luke._

_No one's even noticed your weight loss, so you must look just as fat as before. You're not making any progress. You're still just as worthless as you were two years ago._ **_You're always fucking up Luke, can't you do anything right? You're a failure with everything you do. You're not worth the oxygen you breathe, you worthless piece of sh-_ **

"We need to do something, anything. Like, right now. Let's hang out," I blurted out.

_You only made yourself look like an idiot._

"Sure...?" Ashton looked bewildered at my outbreak, but didn't bring it up. "I've been in the mood to watch Groundhogs Day recently. Would you be up for that?"

"I haven't watch that movie in such a long time." I felt my mouth spread into a wide smile, an actual genuine smile.

Maybe today would be alright.


	9. ~

We both fell on the soft couch, exhausted from dancing our hearts out. Ashton was beside me, with a smile drawn to his face as he panted for air.

When the next song started to play, we both moaned like old men trying to lift themself from a chair.

_Straight through the heart_   
_And you're to blame_   
_Darling you give love_   
_A bad name_

"I'm too exhausted to jam out to Jovi," I breathed out.

Ashton shrugged. "That's unfortunate. I could dance all day long," he said, bouncing off the couch.

"Don't let me dance by myself, Luke!"

He's flailing his arms wildly, and kicking the air below him. I mean, I  _guess_  that could be considered dancing.

"I'm too tired, no more dancing," I shook my head, immediately regretting my action as I started to feel light headed.

Maybe Ashton wasn't out of energy, but I was. If I was a battery, I'd most likely be charged to seven percent.

He grabbing his phone, pausing Spotify, and pointed a finger at me.

" _You_ , brother, give love a bad name."

_Jokes on you, I give everything a bad name._

I walked towards the small kitchen area of the en suite. It's probably a good idea to fill a glass for myself.

"Want a glass of water?" I asked.

Ashton hummed, thinking about his answer. Was he really putting this much time into a simple question?

"Hey Ashtray, I don't have all day. Yes or no?" I said in a playful tone.

Ashton giggled, and told me to 'shut up.' He stood up from the couch and began to walk to the area of the room I was occupying.

"See, I'm thirsty, but I don't want to drink anything bland," Ashton explained, scrunching his nose for effect.

"Mmmm... nice, cold," I took a sip from my glass, "bland, water. It doesn't get much better than this."

Ashton giggled again, "Huke Lemmings, you live a boring life."

"Hi, I'm Huke. Huke Lemmings, just incase you didn't know. But I'm sure you did, I'm a pretty big deal," I said obnoxiously, pretending to dust off my shoulder.

Ashton opened the mini fridge while laughing, his voice booming into the metal appliance.

"What are you even doing Luke," he said through his laughter.

"Sir, consider yourself lucky. This unbelievable product will be available for you  _only_ , and at a discounted price."

"Is that so?" He pulled his face away from the contents of the fridge. "Well Huke, what is this said product?" He asked me with a raised eyebrow.

I bent down to him, making our line of sight level with each other. "I'm going to give you..." I started to inch my head closer to his, "a sweet, gentle..." I moved my hand up to slowly caress his cheek.

Ashton's eyes grew wide as he asked in a low voice, "What are you, Luke I don't underst-"

The palm of my hand rose from his cheek, and soon made contact once again.

"... slap in the face. But don't worry, the slap is free," I finished saying with a cheeky grin.

And the look on his face? Priceless.

"What was all of that for?!"

"For indirectly insulting my  _exciting_  life style choices," I emphasized my words.

"Mundane," Ashton said, attempting to hide his comment with a cough.

"If I'm so boring, then why do you hang out with me? Huh?"

Ashton put his arms up with fake exasperation. "Because I have no choice! I'm forced to be around the three of you every second of the day!"

I tried to hold in my laughter. "Every second of the day? Don't you mean... every  _five seconds_  of the day?"

I erupted in laughter as Ashton shook his head, a little smile forming on his face.

"Oh my god, that was truly awful."

"Really? I thought it was  _pun_ ominal," I was nearly out of breath from laughing so hard at my own joke.

Ashton stood up after closing the fridge, and flicked my arm while walking over to the sink.

"And for the record, I stick around for the puns. Without them, I'd quit this band in a flash."

My face glow with excitement. "Puns? Puns... puns! That's me! He means me!" I said amused, pointing to myself. "That's me! Hey Calum, he's talking about me!"

_"He's always talking about you like that, you're the youn-"_

_"_ ** _MOTHER FUCKER_** _,"_  Michael yelled in anger.  _"I died because you're all_ distracting me, _so shut the fuck up."_

_"Woah there Wal-Mart, roll back the attitude,"_  Calum said from their bedroom.

"Speaking of," Ashton said, taking a sip of water from the glass he filled, "What happened to our swear jar? It was a brilliant idea. Very entertaining."

"Dunno, but I agree." I smiled as the memories flowed into my mind. None of us needed the extra cash, but it was fun to watch the others pout as they slipped a dollar into the mug.

"Hey, if we can find tape, wanna make a new one with a coffee mug?"

Ashton's smile grew in size. "Of course," he responded. "I have the black tape I use for my drums, but that's not the type of tape we need."

"If it can make a piece of paper stick to a mug, it's good enough in my book. Go get the tape. I'm gonna to see if Netflix has the movie."

Ashton replied with an 'okay', but it was barely audible over Michaels scream from the room over. " _Movie?!_ "

Michael was soon skidding into the living room, while Calum yelled his name in hopes of having the boy return to what he was doing.

"Did I hear movie?" He asked again.

_"Michael get in here, you're going to be banned for being AFK!"_

Michael twisted his body towards Calum's voice. "Then play for me!"

_"But I suck at playing as this champion..."_  Calum mumbled from the other room.

Michael swiveled back to me. "We should watch White Chicks."

Calum poked his head through the doorwar into the room. "Yoooo, White Chicks!"

Michael snapped back to face Calum. "What are you doing? Don't go AFK!"

"Oh, how the tables have turned," Calum commented, singing his words. This resulted in Michael harshy throwing his middle finger in the air, then returning to his conversation with me.

"Come on, I haven't seen White Chicks in forever, and it's hilarious! Just the four of us,  _please?_ " He said, lingering on the last word.

I sighed while he continued to beg, "Ashton and I were going to watch Groundhogs Day, but I gues-"

_"Your team's about to blow up the Nexus,_  get your ass in here!"

Michael mumbled a quiet 'oh fuck' while running back to Calum.

_"Move,"_  Michael demanded, shortly followed by a high pitched shriek.  
 _"Hey, don't shove! I saved your ass from being ganked."_

"What are they playing?" Ashton questioned, walking out of the bedroom. He was fidgeting with the black tape, trying to track down the start of the roll, putting me in a daze.

His hands are so  _big._

Of course I was aware of that, but I never really thought about it too much before.

' _What would it look like if he held a baby's hand?'_ I thought to myself, chirping out a laugh as I imagined the scenario.

"Oh," I said, remembering that he was waiting for a response.

"Uh..." I mutter, my voice faltering as I wracked my mind to remember the question.

"League, yeah. League of Legends." My voice drifted off as I spoke, completely mesmerized by his hands working around the tape.

Ashton pulled his hands away from in front of him, pulling me out of my haze. He glanced at his chest. "What, is there something on my shirt?"

_Well this is awkward..._

"No, no, nothing. I was just spacing out," I mumbled, my eyes trailed down to his hand again.

"Seriously Luke, if there's a piece of fuzz or something, can you just take it off of me already?"

Someone call an ambulance because my  _fucking face is on fire shit Luke stop staring and say something!_

"Why are your hands so massive, they engulf anything you hold in them," I wondered. As soon as I realized what I'd said, I mentally face palmed myself; such a stupid question.

But Ashton didn't care, and kept the conversation flowing. "I don't understand why everyone says that! They aren't monsterous, they're normal human sized!"

"Are you kidding? Your hands are like," I pretended to count on my fingers, "Seventeen times larger than mine."

"Shush, you're lying," he said, reaching down to pull my hands up, giggling to himself. He flattened my hands against his, our palms pressing together.

"See? Not that much of a difference."

"Not that much of a difference? You can almost bend the top of your fingers over mine!"

"Well maybe Lukey just has cute, tiny hands," He responded in a feminine tone, curling the tips of his fingers over mine.

His words sent me into a fit of giggles.

_He's acting so adorable, I want to punch him in the face. Hell, he could punch me in the face and I'd feel nothing but honoured._

"Oh, my, god. Your giggle could cure cancer, I swear."

I groaned, pulling my hands away from Ashton's and plopped down on the recliner directly behind me.

Cure cancer? My laugh would probably  _cause_ cancer.

I hide my face behind my sleeve-covered hands.

"You know, the more you refuse to believe my compliments, the harder I try," Ashton said, sounding closer than he did before.

I didn't remove my hands though, because I know that's exactly what he wants me to do.

"You're so annoying," I said, stretching the words as I spoke.

"I know," said a voice.

A voice that certainly did  _not_  belong to Ashton.

Clearing my face of my hands, I was met with another person. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't scream like a barking Chihuahua

" **CALUM** ," I cried out, while leaping from my seat and tackling him to the floor.

Calum's yelp rang through the room as Michael walked in, just in time to witness my attack. He walked to Ashton's side, resting his elbow on Ashton's shoulder, and laughed along with us.

"Y-you sounded like a d-dying cat!" Ashton said to Calum, attempting to speak through his bursts of laughter.

"Yeah sure, laugh all you want," Calum pulled himself from under Luke, and stood up.

"I'm going to get myself lunch from In-n-Out. And  _none_  of you are allowed to have any of it," he said triumphantly.

Michael and Ashton dropped to their knees, asking for Calum's forgiveness.

Instead of begging like them, I was shuttering. Why would anyone  _want_  to digest grease and fat disguised in the form of a burger?

Sounds like more of a nightmare than a dream to me.

Instead, I continued to lay on the carpet, rewinding the last few minutes in my mind.

_What the hell._

_I giggled. I fucking_ giggled.

_Why do I keep doing that._

_For fucks sake Luke, stop acting like a pre-teen girl would around their crush._

_You're not_ gay,  _so stop acting like it._

_You're already such a fuck up, why add another reason to the list?_

I sat up from the ground, trying to push the thoughts out of my mind, when I noticed Ashton towering above me.

"I told them you wanted to stay in today. They said that if you want anything from there, you can just text them."

Ashton held his hands out, offering to help me up. I accepted gratefully, with only one thought running through my mind.

_Maybe I won't have to eat anything today either._


End file.
